I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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