her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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