You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize