I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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