you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
