another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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