is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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