Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
