Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
