They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
