you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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