I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
