I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
