Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
