i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
