They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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