His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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