He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
