My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
