I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
