I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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