I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
