Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
