Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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