So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
