The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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