Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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