So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
