..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
