1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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