I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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