Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize