i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
