Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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