i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish I only lived at night.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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