They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
