He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
