Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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