I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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