Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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