Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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