He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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