today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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