Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
