had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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