why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize