fuck your aforementioned shoe
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize