Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
