just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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