If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
