any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
this hospital has no fireball
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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