Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
