i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
