if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
