I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
