Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
