I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
not ubering you a puppy
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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