if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
