he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
