Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You can't special order awesome
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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