Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
