I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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