Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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