I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
